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drunk musicians
The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: 'We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: 'To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.'

They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: 'The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.'

top ten: questions that make you go, "huh?"
  1. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  2. What happens if you get scared to death twice?
  3. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
  4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  5. If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
  6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  8. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
  9. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  10. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
the lord will provide
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

viagra + eyedrops = ?
Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?

Because he wanted to look hard!

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