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uncle ted's special skill
 
 
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.

Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"

His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."

Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"

Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"

Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"

Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."

a lonely jew in catholic school
 
 
A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

bush declares war on bird flu
 
 
Saying that "America must take a preemptive approach to the War on Bird Flu," President Bush launched a nuclear attack on Turkey today. He said the Canary Islands are next...
bombs away!
 
 
Q: Why was the suicide bomber disappointed when he met his 72 virgins?

A: He blew off his penis.

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