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the engineer and the bike
 
 
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

a father's last request
 
 
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

good can of corn
 
 
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

signs you're too fat for your pants
 
 
  1. You've lost the feeling below your ankles.
  2. When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.
  3. When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
  4. The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.
  5. Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
  6. People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"
  7. The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
  8. It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.
  9. When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.
  10. Your name is Al Roker.

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