Whatever jokes

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stupid people euphemisms
1. Not the brightest crayon in the box
2. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
3. Not the cleanest toilet in the bathroom
4. Not the funniest clown in the circus
5. Not the fastest horse in the race
6. Not the sharpest tool in the shed
7. Not the brightest star in the sky
the deacon and the preacher
There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, 'How ya doing?'

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. 'You want that?' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. 'He was a good man and I'll never forget him,' the preacher said, 'I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.'

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. 'Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!'

pillsbury doughboy obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

growing old
Three old men were sitting on a porch.

"I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one.

"I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another.

"I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."

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