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doorprize
 
 
Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.

'What the hell is this?' he asks the pastor.

'Why, it's a toilet brush.'

'Ooh, I see,' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.

'Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.'

make a sentence
 
 
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

'Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!'
things your mom would never say to you
 
 
  1. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
  2. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
  3. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
  4. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
  5. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
  6. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
  7. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
  8. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
  9. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
  10. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
brooms & carrotsticks
 
 
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
'This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
'Don't worry.' said the man issuing them out. 'I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said 'Bangity bangity bang!' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were 'Tankity tankity tank.'

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