Whatever jokes

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Whatever


camoflauge clothing
 
 
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

dial-a-rooster?
 
 
What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?

A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
the judge
 
 
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

famous last words
 
 
  1. I'll get a world record for this.
  2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
  3. It's fireproof.
  4. He's probably just hibernating.
  5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.
  6. So, you're a cannibal.
  7. It's probably just a rash.
  8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
  9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
  10. Pull the pin and count to what?
  11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
  12. I wonder where the mother bear is.
  13. I've seen this done on TV.
  14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
  15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
  16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
  17. Rat poison only kills rats.
  18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
  19. This doesn't taste right.
  20. I can make this light before it changes.
  21. Nice doggie.
  22. I can do that with my eyes closed.
  23. Well, we've made it this far.
  24. That's odd.
  25. Don't be so superstitious!

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