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botched robbery
 
 
Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them is inside getting the money, the other is waiting in the getaway car. The man in the car is nervous because his partner hasn't come out yet.
Finally, the doors of the bank burst open... out comes the partner, lugging a large safe tied up with a rope. As they are getting in the car, the doors to the bank burst open a second time. The security guard comes out. His pants are around his ankles, and he is shooting his gun at the two men in the car.
The man who was in the getaway car starts yelling at his partner: “I knew you'd mess up! You always mess up! I told you to BLOW the SAFE and TIE UP the GUARD!”
god's name
 
 
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, 'There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.'

Forrest Gump says, 'Okay.'

The gatekeeper says, 'First question: What two days of the week begin with T?'

Gump replies, 'That's easy. Today and tommorrow.'

The gatekeeper says, 'Well, I didn't think of that so I'll give it to you.

Second question: How many seconds are in a year?'

Gump says, '12, January 2nd, February 2nd...'

The gatekeeper says, 'That wasn't what I was thinking, but I'll give it to you.

Last question: What is God's first name?'

Gump replies, 'Howard.'

The gatekeeper says, 'How on earth did you get Howard?'

Gump says, 'It's common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.'

your dandruff
 
 
Your dandruff is so bad the principal had to call a snow day!
catch a bra
 
 
Q: How do you catch a bra?

A: Set up a boobie trap.

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