Whatever jokes

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."

*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.

*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."

*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.

*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.

*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.

*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."

*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."

*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.

*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.

*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.

*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."

*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.

*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.

*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, "I've got one too!"

*Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."

*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.

*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.

*Ask him what he is doing out so late.

*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.

*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.

*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.

*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.

*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.

*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.

*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.

*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.

*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter "If I don't see you I can't get a ticket."

*Throw cans of Spam at him.

*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.

*Say to him "Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!"

*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...

* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.

* When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.

* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.

*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.

*Keep his pen.

*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.

*Say "Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet."

*Instead of pleading the fifth amendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.

Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick.

Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

'Hello, can I help you?'

'Yes, I'm looking for a car to drive to the Vatican.'

'We have a wide selection, as you can see. As soon as you find one you like, come get me.'

So the Pope looked around and found a really nice sports car. The Pope didn't have his checkbook, so he said he would come back the next day to buy the car.

The next day he came back and the car had pieces cut out all over the place. 'What did you do to my car?!' the Pope yelled.

'I was just trying to make it holy for you.'