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life of an egg
 
 
What are the top three reasons why it's awful to be an egg?

1. You only get laid once.
2. The only one who ever sits on your head is your own mother.
3. It takes three minutes to get hard.

naked olympic pole vaulting
 
 
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking girl and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby. For whatever reason, she decided to do it.

When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her: "Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"

The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.

The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming. "What are you so happy about?" asked her mother. "I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear."

social security
 
 
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.

After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.

After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.

hello stranger
 
 
I know I haven't known you for a very long time, and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I need it badly. I haven't had it for a very long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs, and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until its very dry. It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore. Do you have a piece of gum?

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