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military heaven
 
 
3 men die and go to heaven. One's a marine, one's a Navy seal, and the last is an army ranger. At the pearly gates, Saint Peter is unsure if he was going to let them in due to their philandering and boorish ways.

He decides to let them in, but gives a strict warning not to have impure thoughts or they will lose their wings and burn in hell. All 3 men walk in, and as a test Saint Peter sends a beautiful blonde angel walking in front of all 3 men.

As the blonde angel bends over and grabs her ankles, the navy seal and the marine lose their wings. As they bent over to pick up their wings, the ranger lost his.

pro congress?
 
 
If con is the opposite of pro, then congress is the opposite of progress?
top ten: questions that make you go, "huh?"
 
 
  1. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  2. What happens if you get scared to death twice?
  3. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
  4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  5. If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
  6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  8. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
  9. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  10. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
the lord will provide
 
 
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."


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