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The psychiatrist says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' '
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On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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'What do you want?' he asked.
'Do you have any tobacco?' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.
'Go faster!' said the passenger. 'I don't want to see him again!' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window again.
'Do you have a light?' said the old man's face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.
'Drive faster!' said the passenger. So they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. 'What do you want from us?' screamed the passenger.
The old man gently replied 'You jackasses want some help getting out of the mud?'
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She was wearing mittens.
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