Whatever jokes

1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial.
5. If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
6. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
7. Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.
8. You have a gold-plated "clicker."
9. Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
10. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."

NO... WE'RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes -- including a boa constrictor -- hidden in the men's pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics... but in the words of one investigator, "drugs don't move around like that."

SAFETY FIRST Four masked gunmen entered a bank in Jackson, Mississippi armed with automatic weapons and pulled a daring daylight heist. The bank's armed security guard didn't intervene to stop the robbery... because he was too busy hiding in the bank's bathroom. The guard told police that when he heard people in the bank screaming, he went into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Jackson police declined to criticize the guard's actions, noting that he could have been killed if the robbers had seen him.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "DOPE?"

A man who showed up at the Knoxville, Tennessee, police department for a court-ordered safe driving class never made it -- he ended up in jail instead. Police say the man was killing time waiting for the class to begin by smoking a joint in the police station parking lot. A passing police cadet smelled the odor of marijuana and approached the man's car. When he spotted the uniformed cadet, the man backed out of the parking space so quickly he almost ran over her. The man drove out of the police lot...parked at a bank across the street... then returned to the police department property for traffic school. He was arrested instead. Good news for the luckless motorist: he wasn't charged with a drug offense. The bad news: he was charged with aggravated assault with a vehicle.

OUR EXPERTISE IS FREE. AND YOU WILL BE TOO...IN ABOUT TEN YEARS

A pot farmer in Franklin, Tennessee was undone by his ego, a roll of film and an alert employee of a photo store. Franklin police commander Larry Barnes explains:

"This old boy had these nice plants growing...and he took some nice 35-millimeter shots to show to his friends." Unfortunately for the suspect, one of the photo experts at Wolf Camera & Video recognized the plants in the pictures and made a call to police. Officers who searched the man's residence found a well-equipped indoor pot-growing operation set up in one of the home's closets.

OH. WHEN YOU SAID 'CLEAN IT,' I THOUGHT...
An alleged drug dealer was arrested in Vero Beach, Florida after he took the wrong bag to the cleaners. When a worker at the store opened the bag he found, not laundry, but three pounds of marijuana.

DON'T WORRY MAN... I THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING

NOW THAT'S WEIRD...

A woman in Bulls Gap, Tennessee reported to police that she was assaulted at her home by a man who struck her twice in the head with a dead squirrel and pushed her into a bathtub.

BET HE HAS TROUBLE FINDING THE TV REMOTE TOO

A Conyers, Georgia man who bought a used Mercedes convertible then reported it stolen found out that the car was equipped with one extra accessory he didn't know about: a LoJack anti-theft tracking device. When police activated the device, they were able to quickly track the car down: it was parked in the man's basement...along with three other cars that had recently been reported stolen.

LOOKS LIKE AN INSIDE JOB

A seven-year employee of Arizona State University in Phoenix was arrested and charged with stealing money and compact discs from a campus office. She has been charged with breaking and entering, burglary, and possession of burglary tools. The suspect is the coordinator of crime prevention programs at ASU. She was arrested at her office -- which is located at the Phoenix police department.

WAKE UP, POPS... BEFORE SOMETHING STUPID HAPPENS! A 72-year old murder defendant in Little Rock, Arkansas fell into a sound sleep as he awaited his case to be announced. He was still asleep when his two daughters and a public defender entered a not-guilty plea for him. At about that same moment, a man sitting next to the slumbering defendant shook him awake. Aroused from his slumber but not fully aware of the proceedings, the man jumped to his feet and shouted, "I plead guilty!" The judge in the case allowed the original not-guilty plea to stand.

HEY WAIT A MINUTE -- THIS AIN'T THE GAP!

A robbery suspect in Suffield, Connecticut made a wrong turn while fleeing police and ended up in the lobby of a high-security prison. The suspect was being pursued by police who had spotted his car as matching the description of one used in a robbery a short time earlier. During the chase, the man pulled into the parking lot of Macdougal Correctional Institution, leaped from his car... and ran into the front lobby. "I believe he thought it was a mall," said one of the arresting officers. "But I've never seen too many malls with a razor wire across the top."

AND FINALLY...

Two thieves caused several thousand dollars damage to a funeral home in Arab, Alabama recently while trying to steal gas from a flower van parked outside the building. The pair had used a knife to cut a hole in the van's fuel tank and were draining the gas into a container. The plan fell apart when one of the thieves lit a cigarette lighter so they could see how much gas they had gotten.

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, 'I'll just have the eggs Benedict.' His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, 'What's with the hubcap?' The waiter sings, 'Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!'

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
   "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writer's cramp.

10. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, 'But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!'