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blank willow
 
 
A man was walking through the forest, when he suddenly has an urge to take a piss. He came upon a field of buttercups. Thinking no one was looking, he immediately relieved himself all over the buttercups. Unbeknownst to him, Mother Nature saw the whole thing and became furious. "How dare you!", she cried, "Just for that, you won't get any butter for a whole year!" "Oh Mother Nature!", the man cried, "In that case, thank God I didn't piss all over the pussywillows!"
christmas in heaven
 
 
Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.

One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

in-law vs outlaw
 
 
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.

don't make me bible belt you
 
 
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"


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