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escape from the institution
Two guys are in mental instituition.

One guy says, “Hey, I know how we can break out of here!”

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, how?”

The first guy says, “I've been thinking about really hard ever since I saw that big search light that goes around every night from the airport. Here is what we do. First, we steal a flashlight.”

The second guy says, “Hey, we don't have to do that, I've got one here that my kids sent me!”

The first guy says, “Great, then meet me out in the courtyard, near the wall tonight, after everyone goes to bed.”

So they meet out by the wall after dark. The guy with the light asks the first guy. “Just how will this plan work?”

The first guy says, “It's like this, you shine the light up on to the top of the wall. I'll climb up the beam of light to the top. You throw up the light and I'll shine the beam down for you to climb up. Okay?”

The second guy ponders the plan a second and then says, “Hey, just a minute. I know what you would do. I'd get you up on top of the wall and throw you up the light. Then, as I was half way up you'd turn off the light! Do you think I'm crazy or something?”

Q: If fruit grows on a fruit tree, then what does chicken grow on?

A: A Poul-try
comedy central's alleged humor
Every Time A Bell Rings, An Angel...

* Spit-polishes his halo
* Buys a maxi-pad with wings
* Drops out of a so-called "Choir of Angels" because that's really just a place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God's butt
* Orders a plate of "Hades Hot" Buffalo wings
* Drinks a little too much of Junior's blood and falls off a cloud
* Listens to Paul McCartney sing with his band "Wings"
* Takes a heavenly crap
* Decides to reveal the Lord's majesty to the masses by appearing on some aluminum siding in east Texas
* Obeys his Pavlovian conditioning, and barks like a dog
* Sits down for dinner
* Prank calls the miserable whiners in Hell
* Gets his union card
* Takes the fruitcake out of the oven
* Gets his wings ripped from his back, so they can be given to a more angelic and deserving angel
* Tells a mortal, "Oh c'mon, jump already! I don't got all day!"
backwoods high tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

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