Whatever jokes

Anna Nicole Smith: I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

Brad Pitt: Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.

Christina Ricci: My dream role would probably be a psycho killer, because the whole thing I love about movies is that you get to do things you could never do in real life, and that would be my way of vicariously experiencing being a psycho killer. Also, it's incredibly romantic.

Courtney Love: I don't need plastic in my body to validate me as a woman.

David Letterman: Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Drew Barrymore: If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him

Elizabeth Hurley: I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me

Heather Graham: Whenever I meet people who seem really sweet and unassuming, I kind of wonder about them.

Jennifer Lopez: People equate sexy with promiscuous. They think that because I'm shaped this way, I must be scandalous, like running around and bringing men into my hotel room. But it's just the opposite.
Justin Timberlake: Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love.

P. Diddy: I feel safe in white because, deep down inside, I'm an angel.

"I saw an airshow. And it was very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" She then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.

"I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the world 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" Billy's hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.

"Teacher, teacher! I got one!"

"Go ahead, Billy."

"My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie."

After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?"

Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did."

And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end.

After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping."

Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?"