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15 ways to be annoying
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a 'spider person.'
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: 'Don't let him in! He's the killer!'
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: 'I hope I fixed it this time.'
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the 'little men.'
9) Insist on making inanimate objects 'dance'
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is 'one big musical,' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
knock knock... old lady
A) Knock knock

B) Who's there?

A) Old Lady

B) Old Lady, who?

A) I didn't know you could yodel!

don't drink and not drive
Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into their car. After they've been driving for a while, they see a ghostly face appear at the window.

"It's a ghost, dude!"

"Roll down the window, ask him what he wants!" The driver rolls down the window, and asks the ghost.

"You got a smoke?" They give him a smoke, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns.

"You got a light?" They give a light, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns.

"You guys need help getting out the mud?"

dear abby: my husband is a liar and a cheat
Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills.

And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Dump him. You're a New York Senator now. You don't need him anymore.


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