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the retirement party
 
 
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."

how many men does it take?
 
 
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. One to actually do the work and four others to say how they screwed it.

what do you call a mushroom...
 
 
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fungi to be around!

king jesus
 
 
This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin some jewerly out of a jewerly box. Out of nowhere he hears, "Jesus is watchin you." He looks around, but doesn't see anything, so he goes into the next room. He starts looking around in the dressers and closets, then hears the same voice again, "Jesus is watchin you." Hegets a little scared so he starts sneaking around the house to search for the voice when he hears it again, "Jesus is watchin you." He follows the voice and it leads him to a bird cage. He sees the bird and asks, "Did you say that?" The bird replied, "Yes" "What is your name little bird?" "Moses" "What kind of retarded people name their birds Moses?" The bird smiles, "The kind of people who name there rottweiler Jesus!"

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