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signs you're watching too much tv
 
 
  1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
  2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
  3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
  4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial.
  5. If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
  6. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
  7. Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.
  8. You have a gold-plated "clicker."
  9. Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
  10. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.
stick 'em up
 
 
Police: Why did you steal his watch?

Thief: I didn't steal it, he gave it to me!

Police: When did he give it to you?

Thief: When I showed him the gun!
y2k nostalgia
 
 
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcemnts.

"I have two piece of bad news," said Boris Yeltsin. "One, God does exist. Two, all of the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."

"I have some good news and some bad news," said Bill Clinton. "First, the good -- God does exist. And the bad -- the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."

"I have some great news!" said Bill Gates. "One, I'm one of the three most important people on earth. Two, we've got this Y2K thing solved!"

the day after thanksgiving
 
 
It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru the house
No one was stirring not even my spouse.
With credit cards all in a neat little row
In the order of all the places I'd go
With cash in my pocket, the keys in my hand,
I grabbed all the cards and out the door I ran.


Out to the garage and into my car,
The gas gauge on empty I wouldn't get far.
I rush to the gas station to fill up with gas.
Thank God for credit cards; I was out in a flash.

On K-mart, on Target, on Kohls and more.
On Pennys, on Sears, must hit every store.
I rush in the stores with a twinkle in my eye
Thinking of all the things i could buy.

By now my credit cards were getting quite warm
But into the next store I quickly did storm.
Buying up everything within my sight
Grabbing that doll and starting a fight.
Without that doll in my hand
Out on the sidewalk I did land.
As I walked away and looked in the store
I was plum tuckered out and couldn't shop anymore.

With gifts in the car all stacked up high
I drive by the stores and the merchants wave 'bye'.
With presents stacked way up to the ceiling
my spouse was ranting, raving and squealing.
We're broke he said cuz of all your spending
Thank God this day is finally ending.
With presnts to wrap and scotch tape to find
I knew this job was gonna be all mine.

The day finally ended and i was struck with great fear
Thinking of how I'd do it all over next year.

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