Whatever jokes

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

(1) 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.'
(2) 'His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) 'I would not allow this employee to breed.'
(4) 'This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.'
(5) 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.'
(6) 'When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.'
(7) 'He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.'
(8) 'This young lady has delusions of adequacy.'
(9) 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.'
(10) 'This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.'
(11) 'This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.'
(12) 'Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.'
(13) 'A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'
(14) 'He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.'
(15) 'He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.'
(16) 'I would like to go hunting with him sometime.'
(17) 'He's been working with glue too much.'
(18) 'He would argue with a signpost.'
(19) 'He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.'
(20) 'He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.'
(21) 'When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.'
(22) 'If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.'
(23) 'A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'
(24) 'A prime candidate for natural deselection.'
(25) 'Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'
(26) 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.'
(27) 'Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.'
(28) 'If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.'
(29) 'If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.'
(30) 'If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.'
(31) 'It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.'
(32) 'One neuron short of a synapse.'
(33) 'Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.'
(34) 'Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.'
(35) 'The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.'

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

As Ripley would say, believe it or not!