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employee of the month
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.'
(2) 'His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) 'I would not allow this employee to breed.'
(4) 'This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.'
(5) 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.'
(6) 'When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.'
(7) 'He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.'
(8) 'This young lady has delusions of adequacy.'
(9) 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.'
(10) 'This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.'
(11) 'This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.'
(12) 'Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.'
(13) 'A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'
(14) 'He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.'
(15) 'He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.'
(16) 'I would like to go hunting with him sometime.'
(17) 'He's been working with glue too much.'
(18) 'He would argue with a signpost.'
(19) 'He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.'
(20) 'He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.'
(21) 'When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.'
(22) 'If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.'
(23) 'A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'
(24) 'A prime candidate for natural deselection.'
(25) 'Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'
(26) 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.'
(27) 'Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.'
(28) 'If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.'
(29) 'If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.'
(30) 'If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.'
(31) 'It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.'
(32) 'One neuron short of a synapse.'
(33) 'Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.'
(34) 'Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.'
(35) 'The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.'

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

like a rock
Did you hear about the guy who drove his Ford Chevy truck into the lake?

It sank... like a rock!
famous last words
  1. I'll get a world record for this.
  2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
  3. It's fireproof.
  4. He's probably just hibernating.
  5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.
  6. So, you're a cannibal.
  7. It's probably just a rash.
  8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
  9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
  10. Pull the pin and count to what?
  11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
  12. I wonder where the mother bear is.
  13. I've seen this done on TV.
  14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
  15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
  16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
  17. Rat poison only kills rats.
  18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
  19. This doesn't taste right.
  20. I can make this light before it changes.
  21. Nice doggie.
  22. I can do that with my eyes closed.
  23. Well, we've made it this far.
  24. That's odd.
  25. Don't be so superstitious!

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