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bill gates in hell
 
 
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”

true newspaper clippings
 
 
  • 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

  • AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

  • SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

  • FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

  • 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

  • TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

  • COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

  • 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

  • STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

  • FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

  • FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

  • SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

  • GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

  • FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

  • FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

  • FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

  • NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

  • BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

  • SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

  • FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

  • HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

  • GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

  • HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

  • GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

  • NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

  • FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

  • AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

  • TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

  • NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

  • EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

  • OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

  • JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

  • LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

  • ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

  • GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

  • GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

  • BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

  • OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

  • KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

  • FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

signs your amish teen's in trouble
 
 

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

rug
 
 
What did the rug say to the floor?

I've got you covered?

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