Whatever jokes

• The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
• We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
• She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
• It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
• Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
• This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
• He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
• They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.

You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You did the LeFreak with Chic.

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

You wore anything Izod, especially collar "up," or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

You even dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.

There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool.

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "...and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

Two Words: Feathered hair

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.