Whatever jokes

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

3. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

5. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

6. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and foolish.

8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

9. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

22. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

23. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Clem: 'That's awful. What happened?'

Lem: 'Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.'

Clem: 'What did thief do then?'

Lem: 'He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!'

Internet News: We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?

Jesus Christ: First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.

IN: But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated on December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your birthday but January 1st was chosen?

JC: Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always struck me as funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to celebrate it in the middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't exactly "keeping watch over their flocks by night" in the open fields during winter, were they?

IN: No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?

JC: December 28th.

IN: But...

JC: Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would just make another holiday out of it and I think that two birthdays a year are more than enough.

IN: But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?

JC: That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the ancients had no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because of all the arguments about whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC. It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so they decided to skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.

IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.

JC: Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used a calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the starting date. It was close but 5 years off so my human nature is going to be 2,005 years old in the year 2000.

IN: So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since you were actually born in 5 BC?

JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".

IN: Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way. So, what's in store for the world when the big Y2K hits?

JC: I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father made me promise not to divulge any future events.

IN: Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers just in time for the year 2000 to be a problem?

JC: Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had done his calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.

IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.

JC: Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask people to go out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.

IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.