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signs you're too fat for your pants
 
 
  1. You've lost the feeling below your ankles.
  2. When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.
  3. When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
  4. The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.
  5. Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
  6. People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"
  7. The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
  8. It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.
  9. When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.
  10. Your name is Al Roker.
the genie and the wannabe
 
 
A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. “Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But, I'm afraid of flying and I don't like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii,” says the man.
“That's impossible!” says the genie, “You'll have to make another wish.”
“Ok, I want to know how to be a sucessful internet executive.” says the man.
“How many lanes do you want on that bridge? asks the genie.
god made eve first
 
 
In this world God made Eve first and one day he came to the Garden to check on her. So he asks her how is everything going. Eve says everything is wonderful except one thing-the third breast he gave her it is a real pain in the ass. When she is playing with her breast she only has two hands and when she is running she can only hold up two breasts--could he please do something to help her?

So God says no problem-he reaches down and pulls the breast off and tosses it under a bush. Eve is very thankful.

When God checks in on Eve a while later she is happy with her breasts but is lonely. She points out that all the animals have a partner to be with so why can't she.

"Well," God says, "When I made you I used all the human parts I had there is nothing left to make a man with. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do."

Well, Eve says, what about the useless tit that you threw under the bush?

tell me about your circuit breaker
 
 
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes five sessions.


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