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guy from west virginia
 
 
What do you call a guy from West Virginia who has no sisters?

A Virgin.
elvis vs. jesus
 
 
  • JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
  • JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
  • JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
  • JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
  • JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
  • JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
  • JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
  • JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."  (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
  • JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
  • JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
  • "[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)  ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
  • JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
  • JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water.  (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
  • JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
  • JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
  • JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
prison carpenter
 
 
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, 'Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.'

statistics
 
 
47% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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