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a definite definition
 
 
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."

"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.

"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.

"Yes."

"Do farts have lumps?"

"No. Why do you ask."

"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

drunk superhero
 
 
Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, 'Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!'
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, 'YOU'RE ON!'
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. 'WOW,' screamed the 2nd guy, 'That was incredible. Do it again!'
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. 'That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

'Ok,' said the first guy, 'But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. 'Your turn,' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. 'This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, 'You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'
sub-standard school systems
 
 
Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
Victor: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 34 and you're the Principal!
working on the fourth husband
 
 

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."


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