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multi-purpose
 
 
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel.

grandma's nuts
 
 
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."

the eternal optimist
 
 
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say 'It could have been worse.' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, 'Where's Gary?'

And one of his friends said, 'Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'

Joe says,'Well it could have been worse.'

Both his friends said, 'How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'

Joe says, 'If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!'

top 10 ways to get rid of telemarketers
 
 
10) Pretend you don't speak English.

9) Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it'll just hurt worse!”

8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

7) Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.

6) Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess your color of underwear.

5) Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
4) As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds.”

3) Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.

2) Mutter: “Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovah's Witness almost got me the death penalty.”

1) HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!

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