Whatever jokes

How did Hellen Keller discover masturbation?

Trying to read her own lips.

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one evening and began ordering pitchers of beer. After a few pitchers, the leprechaun looked around and saw a very large, mean-looking character sitting at the end of the bar. With a smile, the leprechaun ran to the end of the bar and stood in front of this guy. He laughed hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over the mean-looking fellow. Looking meaner and madder than ever, he reached out to grab the obnoxious little leprechaun, only to miss him as the leprechaun jumped up and ran back to his seat next to his friend.
'If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again or I'll rip off your little tallywagger!' yelled the mean-looking man.
The leprechaun snickered and started on another pitcher of beer, while his friend told him he thought it would be better not to harass this guy again. A few pitchers of beer later, the leprechaun was beginning to feel pretty intoxicated and fun-loving. Once again, he looked down at the end of the bar and saw the same mean-looking man sitting there. The leprechaun chuckled, ran to the end of the bar to stand in front of the same man, began laughing hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over him again. The angry man reached out to grab the drunk little leprechaun and was successful in capturing him.
'All right, I've got you this time. I warned you before that if you came near me again I would rip off your little tallywagger and that is what I intend to do!'
The leprechaun laughed again and said, 'You can't do that!'
'Why not?' asked his captor.
'Because,' giggled the leprechaun, 'Leprechauns don't have tallywaggers!'
'Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?' growled the angry man, 'How in the hell do ya pee?'
'Just like this!' laughed the leprechaun as he stuck out his tongue and spit with all his might.

1. Remake of "Roots" starring Michael Jackson
2. Performance of "The Nutcracker" by the Bolshoi Ballet with special guest Hillary Clinton
3. The Martha Stewart WWF Smackdown
4. Any sitcom starring Emeril Lagasse
5. Jerry Falwell napping with a Teletubby stuffed toy
6. Any day in the life of the British royalty
7. Ricky Martin in a tasteful, hot pink, off-the-shoulder number
8. Bill Gates on a Harley Davidson
9. Yet another commercial starring Carrot Top
10. Osama bin Laden in a Christian Science bookstore

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

'Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!' she exclaimed. 'Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?'