 |
|
|
|
|
 | ||||
9) When you just can't seem to get a green light when you're in a hurry.
8) When the police speed in regular traffic, but go the speed limit in emergencies.
7) When police or firemen turn their sirens and lights on just to get past the red light.
6) When their is nothing in the fridge when you're hungry, but when you're full, so is the fridge.
5) When, on the toilet, you go to reach for the toilet paper and....
4) Bob Costas.
3) When the gas prices go up in the summer when you need to use the A/C.
2) When the police pull you over, and you realize you forgot to take the reefer out of your ashtray.
1) When you go to pull the trigger to save your own life, and the gun just goes 'click.'
|
|
|
|
|
| ||||
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
|
|
|
|
|
| ||||
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows 2000
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Page 235 of 497 «« Previous | Next »»