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'Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'
'What did he say?' Bush asked.
'He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'
Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. 'Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
'Dan,' he said, 'I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'
Quayle looked rather puzzled. 'Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, 'I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.' Quayle called Baker on the phone.
'Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?'
'That would be me,' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
'Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. 'Mr. President, I have the answer!'
'Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?'
'It's Jim Baker!' said Quayle.
'No,' said Bush. 'It's Shevardnadze.'
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The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap. After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, “DID THAT HURT?” The soldier responds, “NO, SIR.” And the colonel says “WHY NOT?” Then the soldier shouts, “BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!”
The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound. The colonel asks him “DID THAT HURT?” And the soldier says “NO, SIR.” Then the colonel shouts, “WHY NOT?” Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, “BECASUE IT WAS HIS.”
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"Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't that terrible?"
"Sure, it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"
"How could THAT possibly have been worse?"
"Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"
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"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"
"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.
"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this."
Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'
"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.
"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
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