Whatever jokes

Jokes » whatever » jokes 193

Whatever


heal the world
 
 
A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives he sees that there is a long line to the Pearly Gates. After some time he hears a commotion behind him and turns to see a man in a long white coat with a stethoscope in the pocket cutting past everone. He strides right through the gates without a pause and past everyone who had been waiting forever. When the man gets to St. Peter he says, "Say, who was that guy who cut past everybody and walked right through?" St. Peter replied, "Oh. That's God. Sometimes he likes to think he's a doctor."
the story of hanukkah
 
 
Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John. "Where did you get that?" John asked "I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan. "What's Hanukkah?" John asked.

"It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."

"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, "What's wrong? Where's your present from last night?" asks John.

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "It was leftovers night."

the facts of life
 
 
A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”

The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”

The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”

fun with cops
 
 
(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.

*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.

*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."

*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.

*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.

*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.

*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."

*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."

*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.

*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.

*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.

*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."

*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.

*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.

*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, "I've got one too!"

*Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."

*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.

*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.

*Ask him what he is doing out so late.

*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.

*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.

*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.

*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.

*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.

*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.

*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.

*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.

*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter "If I don't see you I can't get a ticket."

*Throw cans of Spam at him.

*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.

*Say to him "Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!"

*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...

* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.

* When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.

* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.

*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.

*Keep his pen.

*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.

*Say "Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet."

*Instead of pleading the fifth amendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.

Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick.

Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.


Page 194 of 497     «« Previous | Next »»