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things your mom would never say to you
 
 
  1. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
  2. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
  3. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
  4. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
  5. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
  6. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
  7. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
  8. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
  9. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
  10. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
brooms & carrotsticks
 
 
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
'This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
'Don't worry.' said the man issuing them out. 'I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said 'Bangity bangity bang!' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were 'Tankity tankity tank.'
the fly
 
 
From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:

The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.

"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.

"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."

But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to piss on?"

a multiple hot foot
 
 
Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.

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