Whatever jokes

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

"Am I too late for the garbage?" she asks.

"No, ma'am," says the garbageman. "Hop right in!"

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What isis logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"