Whatever jokes

Jokes » whatever » jokes 117

Whatever


human resource lingo
 
 

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

midget dating
 
 
I use to date a midget.

I was nuts over her!
silly boy
 
 
A little kid walks into a movie theater one day. At the counter, he buys one ticket and then goes in. All of a sudden, he comes back out and buys another one. The man at the counter asks 'Why do you want another one?' The kid replies 'Because that man over there ripped the other one!'
the stupid paratrooper
 
 
About ten recruits are making their first parachute jump. This 6 foot, 280 pound Master Sergeant, standing by the open door says: "Okay ladies, hustle up to this door, jump out in turn, and count slowly to ten. When you get to ten, your 'chute will automatically open.

"Now in the event, and this is highly unlikely, your 'chute doesn't open, pull the cord on your bellys. That's your emergency 'chute. The emergency 'chute will open immediately. Any questions?"

These guys are too scared to even talk. The Master Sergeant grabs the first guy in line and, while pulling him to the door, yells; "When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base. MOVE OUT."

As scared as they are, they all make it out the door, until they get to the last one. This guy is a really sad looking, 98-pound pessimistic creature. Very reluctantly, he shuffles up to the door and, just before he gets booted out, falls out and starts counting: one... two. He finally gets to ten.

Nothing.

He waits about five seconds and counts to ten once again.

Still nothing.

He starts frantically fumbling around, and finally finds the handle. He jerks on the handle and the cord comes off in his hand.

Raising his head to the heavens, he screams: "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"


Page 118 of 497     «« Previous | Next »»