Whatever jokes

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, more recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take, for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a whitewick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all of the dark that has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem as the dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus, it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you will see a lot of light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach the depth of approximately 50 feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines. This generates electricity and helps push dark to the ocean, where it can be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet; but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that it is, indeed, a dark sucker.

Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?

A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking on the beach when they found a magic lamp. They began rubbing it and genie came out and said, "You each may have one wish." The red head thought for a while and said, "Even though blondes are stupid, they have so more fun, I wish to be blonde." and she was turned blonde. The brunette agreed, "That's true, I really want to have more fun too, even though I'll be dumber, I wish to be blonde" and she became blonde also. The blonde looks at the two other blondes and said, "I just don't think I have enough fun. I don't care if I becomer even more dumb, make me more blonde, woo!" So the genie granted her wish and made her a man.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

'Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."