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god's first name
This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them? Third, what is God's first name? You have until tomorow to answer these questions."

The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it's technically corect, so I will give you credit."

Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admit that wasn't what he had in mind, but he'll accept that.

Peter then asked the third question -- God's first name. The man says, "Howard. " St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know -- it's in the prayer: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...’"

hormonally yours
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

indian promiscuity
A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair.

"How did you get that feather?" the woman asked.

"I screw one squaw," the Indian said.

Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair. "How did you get those feathers?" she asked.

"I screw two squaw," he said.

Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her.

"My! How did you get all those feathers?" she asked.

"I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear." he answered.

"Oh dear!" said the woman.

The Indian replied, "No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush."

prisoner's letterwriting
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

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