Whatever jokes

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you know you're addicted to coffee when...
 
 
  1. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  2. you sleep with your eyes open.
  3. you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
  4. the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  5. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
  6. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  7. your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  8. you chew on other people's fingernails.
  9. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  10. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  11. you can jump-start your car without cables.
  12. you don't sweat, you percolate.
  13. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  14. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  15. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  16. instant coffee takes too long.
  17. you channel surf faster without a remote.
  18. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  19. you short out motion detectors.
  20. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  21. you help your dog chase its tail.
  22. you soak your dentures in coffee.
  23. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
  24. you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  25. you answer the door before people knock.
army police brutality
 
 
Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.
"What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!"
"I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"
top ten: questions that make you go, "huh?"
 
 
  1. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  2. What happens if you get scared to death twice?
  3. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
  4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  5. If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
  6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  8. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
  9. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  10. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
the lord will provide
 
 
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."


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