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elementary, my dear watson
 
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

actual instruction labels...
 
 
  • ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
    Warning keep out of children.
  • ON A HAIR DRYER:
    Do not use while sleeping.
  • ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  • ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
    Directions: Use like regular soap.
  • ON A FROZEN DINNER:
    Serving suggestion: Defrost.
  • ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
    Fits one head.
  • ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
    Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
  • ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
    Product will be hot after heating.
  • ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
    Do not iron clothes on body.
  • ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  • ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
    Warning: may cause drowsiness.
  • ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.
  • ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
    Not to be used for the other use.
  • ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
    Warning: contains nuts.
  • ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  • ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
fascinating
 
 
A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row.

"I saw an airshow. And it was very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" She then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.

"I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the world 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" Billy's hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.

"Teacher, teacher! I got one!"

"Go ahead, Billy."

"My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

johnny cannot tell a lie
 
 
One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river."

She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie."

After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?"

Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did."

And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end.

After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping."

Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?"


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