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the doctor
 
 
This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor says that the problem is serious, but with medicated rectal inserts the problem should go away. After the inital insertion, the Doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed.

That night, before he goes to bed, the man attempts to insert the medicine.
After about 15 unsuccessful tries he calls his wife for help. His wife puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the medicine. He lets out a scream. 'Did I hurt you?' his wife asks.

"No, but when I was at the doctor's, he had TWO hands on my shoulders!'

that's really hot
 
 
Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot -- because you can catch a cold!

lucky number 5
 
 
A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phonecall from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
the priest and the christmas tree
 
 
Q: How are a priest and a Christmas Tree alike?

A: The balls are only for decoration.

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