Whatever jokes

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots that are checked for each night. These problems are always solved before the next flight. Here are some actual problems (P) and their solutions (S).

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Left inside main tire almost replaced.

(P) Test flight OK, except Auto Land very rough. (S) Auto Land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 propeller seepage normal. #'s 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to a more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold more produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for.

I started my new diet today. It consists of Viagra and prune juice. Now I can't tell if I'm coming or going!

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.

2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.

3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.

4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

5) Hi. Now you say something.

6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.

7) [YOUR NAME]'s palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man/woman hang up the phone and don't call back. I'm not gay.