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the burned ears
 
 
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, 'I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...'

'But how the heck did you burn the other ear?' The doctor asked.

'They called back.'
it's quittin' time
 
 
A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the doctor gave him a nicotine patch, which he promptly put on his penis. A couple of weeks, he came back to the doctor's.

"How's it going?" the doctor asked him.

"Great," he replied. "I haven't had a butt in weeks."

boyfriend, granpa and rover
 
 
On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover.

As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, 'Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.' So he does and the granpa yells 'ROVER!'

The boy thinks to himself, 'All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.' So he does and the granpa yells again, 'ROVER!'

The boyfriend says to himself, 'All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.'

So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, 'Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!'

flood shmud
 
 
It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he'd save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the man's roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldn't get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

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