Whatever jokes

What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. 'I went to get a haircut,' was the reply.
'But,' said the pastor, 'why didn't you do that before the service?'
'Because,' the gentleman said, 'I didn't need one then.'

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

*Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

*Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

*Hit strangers with your flutter board.

*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, 'Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'

*Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

*Swim near a stranger and go 'Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.'

*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say 'HA-HA, fooled you!'
*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
*Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say 'Wheee! I'm Batman!' while running around.

*Hit strangers with your wet towel.

*Throw people's things into the pool.

*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."