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Whatever


which came first?
 
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, 'Well, I guess we answered THAT question!'
space monkeys
 
 
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.'

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.'

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to the astronaut...'

At this the astronaut shouted 'I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.'

the lord's name in vain
 
 
A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled “Goddamn it” and the preacher said, “Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.’”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again. The preacher again told him, “Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.’” The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
little pianist
 
 
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, 'That's amazing how did you get that.' The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, 'I wish I had a million bucks.' The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."

So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, 'I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.'


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