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Whatever


which came first?
 
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, 'Well, I guess we answered THAT question!'
the lord's name in vain
 
 
A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled “Goddamn it” and the preacher said, “Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.’”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again. The preacher again told him, “Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.’” The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
space monkeys
 
 
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.'

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.'

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to the astronaut...'

At this the astronaut shouted 'I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.'

long sermon
 
 
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. 'I went to get a haircut,' was the reply.
'But,' said the pastor, 'why didn't you do that before the service?'
'Because,' the gentleman said, 'I didn't need one then.'

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