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'But,' said the pastor, 'why didn't you do that before the service?'
'Because,' the gentleman said, 'I didn't need one then.'
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Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors
Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!
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*Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
*Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
*Hit strangers with your flutter board.
*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, 'Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'
*Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
*Swim near a stranger and go 'Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.'
*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say 'HA-HA, fooled you!'
*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
*Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.
*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say 'Wheee! I'm Batman!' while running around.
*Hit strangers with your wet towel.
*Throw people's things into the pool.
*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
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