Whatever jokes

What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. 'I went to get a haircut,' was the reply.
'But,' said the pastor, 'why didn't you do that before the service?'
'Because,' the gentleman said, 'I didn't need one then.'

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.  Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

*Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

*Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

*Hit strangers with your flutter board.

*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, 'Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'

*Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

*Swim near a stranger and go 'Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.'

*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say 'HA-HA, fooled you!'
*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
*Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say 'Wheee! I'm Batman!' while running around.

*Hit strangers with your wet towel.

*Throw people's things into the pool.

*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.