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the stupid paratrooper
 
 
About ten recruits are making their first parachute jump. This 6 foot, 280 pound Master Sergeant, standing by the open door says: "Okay ladies, hustle up to this door, jump out in turn, and count slowly to ten. When you get to ten, your 'chute will automatically open.

"Now in the event, and this is highly unlikely, your 'chute doesn't open, pull the cord on your bellys. That's your emergency 'chute. The emergency 'chute will open immediately. Any questions?"

These guys are too scared to even talk. The Master Sergeant grabs the first guy in line and, while pulling him to the door, yells; "When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base. MOVE OUT."

As scared as they are, they all make it out the door, until they get to the last one. This guy is a really sad looking, 98-pound pessimistic creature. Very reluctantly, he shuffles up to the door and, just before he gets booted out, falls out and starts counting: one... two. He finally gets to ten.

Nothing.

He waits about five seconds and counts to ten once again.

Still nothing.

He starts frantically fumbling around, and finally finds the handle. He jerks on the handle and the cord comes off in his hand.

Raising his head to the heavens, he screams: "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"

bottle opener
 
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you!
don't say a word
 
 
Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should've been.

His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the goddam dishes!"

more zombie baby jokes
 
 
Why did the zombie baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.

How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.

How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.

What's more fun then a barrel of monkeys? A barrel of zombie babies.

What's red and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner? That same baby three weeks later.


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