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i bet you can't...
 
 
A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you a hundred dollars I can bite my eye." The bartender agrees, so the man takes out his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that I can bite my other eye. The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house." The man asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars that I can piss in that bottle over there without a lick going out." The bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins pissing all over the bartender who laughs again. The bartender says, "You better pay up now, you just took a bad bet." The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those guys over there a thousand bucks that i can piss all over you and still make you laugh."
did i do that?
 
 
Three men are on a plane. The first one throws a dirt-clod out of the plane. When he lands, he finds a child crying and asks him, "Why are you crying?" The child says a dirt-clod fell out of the sky and hit his dad on the head. The second man on the plane throws a dog's chewing bone. When he lands the plane he finds a woman crying and asks, "Why are you crying?" The woman says, "A bone fell out of the sky and hit my husband on the head" The third man on the plane throws a bomb. When he lands the plane, he finds an old man laughing and asks him, "Why are you laughing?" The old man replies, "I farted and my house blew up."
three tickets
 
 
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

stupid stoners
 
 
How many stoners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, the only way a stoner would get off his lazy a$$ and change a light bulb is if he thought he hid his stash in the socket.


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