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"Son, I won't tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep with a bum for $500,000 and ask your sister is she'll sleep with the garbageman for the same amount." So, the little boy goes up to his mom.
"Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for $500,000?"
"You bet your ass I would!" exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to his sister's bedroom.
"Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbageman for $500,000?"
"I sure would!" exclaims his sister.
"Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?"
"Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty whores!"
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'Do you know who you are speaking to?'
'No,' said Paddy.
'It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.'
'Well, do you know who you are talking to?'
'No,' roared the colonel.
'Well thank goodness for that,' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
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And the clerk says, ' I don't sell to potheads.'
So the pothead says, ' I'll come back in a week and be sober.'
A week later he comes back and walks up to the clerk, 'How much for the TV in the window?'
The clerk says, 'I told you I don't sell to potheads!'
Then the pothead says, 'I'll come back in another week and I will be sober.'
The pothead comes back another week later and says to the store clerk, 'How much for the TV in the window?'
The clerk says, 'I'm not going to tell you again. I don't sell to potheads.'
The pothead says, 'How do you know if I am?'
And the store clerk goes, 'Because that isn't a TV in the window. It's a microwave.'
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British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
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