Whatever jokes

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

"Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

"Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. 'Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
5. 'Damn, this water is cold.'
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. 'Now how did that get there?'
8. 'Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,'Whoa! Easy boy!!'
10. ' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,'Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'
14. 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free.'

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.

Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.

Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.

On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.

"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."

"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."

"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck."

"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"

"What?"

"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

Men can't pack a bag.

Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.