Whatever jokes

The firefighter says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck."

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. That's sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks mister," the boy says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles. The boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Chuck. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer....."

He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings "Jingle Bells," and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings "Deck the Halls."

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing "Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire..."

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco.