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the firing squad
 
 
A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.

The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, 'Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?'

The man thought for a moment, then said, 'Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?'

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

'Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...'

what's up doc?
 
 
A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"

Doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

southern minister pours the liquor
 
 
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

a fence bid
 
 
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, 'Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?' So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, 'Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, 'Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, '$2,700.'
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
'Easy,' he said. '$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.'

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