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the blind guy polemic
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.

"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

flower flub-o-rama
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."

engineering in hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

fun with cops
(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.

*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.

*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."

*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.

*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.

*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.

*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."

*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."

*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.

*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.

*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.

*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."

*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.

*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.

*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, "I've got one too!"

*Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."

*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.

*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.

*Ask him what he is doing out so late.

*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.

*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.

*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.

*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.

*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.

*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.

*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.

*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.

*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter "If I don't see you I can't get a ticket."

*Throw cans of Spam at him.

*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.

*Say to him "Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!"

*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...

* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.

* When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.

* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.

*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.

*Keep his pen.

*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.

*Say "Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet."

*Instead of pleading the fifth amendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.

Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick.

Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.

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