Whatever jokes

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.

Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."

The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."

The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, 'I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tommorrow.'

So, Bill Clinton went back and said, 'Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.'

Colin Powell went back and said, 'I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.'

Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, ' I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.'

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled loud and clearly.
“What's all this? I just ate!” But the noise would not dissipate.
I turned to my left In search of a bite,
One pack of ketchup, some sugar. Not quite.
To my right I then gazed, looking for food,
Not a morsel in sight, Not even something half-chewed.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But two silver quarters, “I'm saved,” I cheered!
I snatched up the change, And dashed down the hall. Soon I would be vending and snacking like all!
As I neared the break-room, I thought of the treats,
Popcorn! Twinkies! Cheese on Wheat!
At last I arrived, and put in my change,
Not knowing at all what the Gods had arranged.
Ho-Ho's! Yes! I had found my snack!
Sitting angelically in that thin spiral rack.
I pressed B, then 14. Then waited with glee
But wait! God no! It simply can't be!
The spiral had whirred, and finally stopped spinning,
But my beautiful Ho-Ho's Were stuck in the rimming!
I pounded once, then twice, and shouted something obscene.
The people, they watched, as I stood there and screamed.
I shook the machine With fury and rage!
Still, the snack would not fall From it's monstrous cage!
I sobbed uncontrollably, still hungry as ever,
I felt like a fool, On a pointless endeavor.
Wretched contraption, ' “How could you?!,” I asked.
So I scratched out a note, and wrote it out fast.
“Dear Snack Man, I BEG YOU, Get rid of this Evil!
It takes all my money, And leaves me quite feeble.
As If I don't have enough stress in my life,
This cursed machine causes nothing but strife!
So take back your Ding-Dongs, your Barbecue Chips,
Your Honey Buns, Packs of Gum and Nachos with Dip.
Look close at this beast and the Evil you cause.
My Ho-Ho, you'll see, is stuck in it's claws!
So Snack Man, I plead I want my change back!
50 cents in small coins And begone with your snacks!
To my desk I returned, feeling empty and sad, But you know, ketchup and sugar really isn't that bad.

Why did the jelly wobble?

Because it saw the milk shake!