Whatever jokes

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ode to a snack that would not fall
Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled loud and clearly.
“What's all this? I just ate!” But the noise would not dissipate.
I turned to my left In search of a bite,
One pack of ketchup, some sugar. Not quite.
To my right I then gazed, looking for food,
Not a morsel in sight, Not even something half-chewed.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But two silver quarters, “I'm saved,” I cheered!
I snatched up the change, And dashed down the hall. Soon I would be vending and snacking like all!
As I neared the break-room, I thought of the treats,
Popcorn! Twinkies! Cheese on Wheat!
At last I arrived, and put in my change,
Not knowing at all what the Gods had arranged.
Ho-Ho's! Yes! I had found my snack!
Sitting angelically in that thin spiral rack.
I pressed B, then 14. Then waited with glee
But wait! God no! It simply can't be!
The spiral had whirred, and finally stopped spinning,
But my beautiful Ho-Ho's Were stuck in the rimming!
I pounded once, then twice, and shouted something obscene.
The people, they watched, as I stood there and screamed.
I shook the machine With fury and rage!
Still, the snack would not fall From it's monstrous cage!
I sobbed uncontrollably, still hungry as ever,
I felt like a fool, On a pointless endeavor.
Wretched contraption, ' “How could you?!,” I asked.
So I scratched out a note, and wrote it out fast.
“Dear Snack Man, I BEG YOU, Get rid of this Evil!
It takes all my money, And leaves me quite feeble.
As If I don't have enough stress in my life,
This cursed machine causes nothing but strife!
So take back your Ding-Dongs, your Barbecue Chips,
Your Honey Buns, Packs of Gum and Nachos with Dip.
Look close at this beast and the Evil you cause.
My Ho-Ho, you'll see, is stuck in it's claws!
So Snack Man, I plead I want my change back!
50 cents in small coins And begone with your snacks!
To my desk I returned, feeling empty and sad, But you know, ketchup and sugar really isn't that bad.
pulled over
A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But I'm not drunk, officer!"
"Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"
prison vs. work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

search and destroy
What is the thing that you keep on looking for and when you find it you throw it away?

A booger.

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