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sumo kamikaze
Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted 'God save Scotland!'
The English man jumped off and shouted 'God Save England!'
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted 'God save the person who I land on!'
canadian gum
A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Michigan man politely ignored the Canadian, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The Canadian snapped his gum and said, "You Michigan folk eat the whole bread?"

The Michigan man sighed, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The Canadian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Michigan." The Canadian had a smirk on his face.

The Michigan man listened in silence. The Canadian persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

The Michigan man rolled his eyes and replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Canadian said, "We don't. In Canada, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Michigan."

The Michigan man then asked, "Do you have sex in Canada?" The Canadian smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Michigan leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

The Michigan smiled and said, "We don't. In Michigan, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the Canadians."

noah's ark - a modern tale
And the Lord spoke to Noah: 'In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.'

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

'Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

'Six months, and it starts to rain,' thundered the Lord. 'You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.'

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

'Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

'Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

'You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?' Noah asked, hopefully.

'Wrong!' thundered the Lord. 'But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.'

'What's that?' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:


the halloween costume
There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg who was in need of a kickin' Halloween costume. So he wrote to a costume company, who promptly sent him a bandana and a hook so he could be a pirate.

Outraged that they were making fun of his pegleg, he fired off a complaint letter. In order to please him, the costume company sent him a monk's costume saying that it would be perfect for his bald head.

Now outraged that they were making fun of his bald head, the man sent another angry letter. Soon after, another package arrived in the mail -- a package of caramel. Attached was a note:

"Stick the pegleg up your ass, dip your head in caramel, and go as a caramel apple."

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