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After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just retire?"
God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this: Let's have a Man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no You go get your own dirt!"
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A lot of people would make fun of him because of his name, so he decided that when he passed-way he would leave his gravestone blank.
A couple of years later, he died, and next to his buried body was placed a blank gravestone.
Now when people pass by burial site they point and say “That's Odd”
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"Hello," the voice said. "This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!"
"Well Paddy," replied Saddam, "how big is your army"
"Well lets see there's me, my brother sean, my next door neighbour seamus and the local dart team."
"Ahh" said Saddam. "I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers."
Paddy then hung up....The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, "The war is still on Mr. Hussein." Paddy said. "We now have some infantry and equipment."
"What would that be" Saddam asked.
"Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murpheys Grey Fergy tractor," Paddy replied.
Saddam sighed "Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke."
"I'll get back to ya," Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, "Right Mr. Hussein, we've modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us."
Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, "Paddy... I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday."
"Oh" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back"
Paddy called again the next day and said "I'm sorry, but the wars been called off."
"I'm sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?" asked Saddam.
"Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there's no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners"
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