Whatever jokes

The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.'

Billy is last to speak. He says, 'My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.'

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.'

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

"A little. What's wrong?"

"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

"How did you load the sheet?"

"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."

Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

A man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States!

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."

He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?"

And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."