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move out of my space!
There were three astronauts an American, a Russian, and a Pollock who were discussing who had the best space program. The Russian says, "We have the best space program. We were the first country to put a satellite into orbit." The American replies, "Thats nothing, we put the first man on the moon." Then the man Pollock says, "No, we are the best, we are going to put the first man on the sun." The Russian and the American arguedm, "Thats not possible you would burn." The Pollock explains, "No, no, we have it all planned out. See we will go at night!"
life's like a bag of jelly beans...
Life's like a bag of Jelly beans, no body likes the black ones.
three kicks
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

priests and christmas trees
What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration!

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