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yo mama and a rat
 
 
Yo mama so ugly, that when she wore Pepper Jack panties, even the rats wouldn't eat her.
ready, aim...
 
 
A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.

Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."

Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"

Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

heal the world
 
 
A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives he sees that there is a long line to the Pearly Gates. After some time he hears a commotion behind him and turns to see a man in a long white coat with a stethoscope in the pocket cutting past everone. He strides right through the gates without a pause and past everyone who had been waiting forever. When the man gets to St. Peter he says, "Say, who was that guy who cut past everybody and walked right through?" St. Peter replied, "Oh. That's God. Sometimes he likes to think he's a doctor."
hilarious signs
 
 
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."


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